Emotional Overload

I cannot believe tomorrow is surgery day.

I have to say, I'm in a little bit of denial. This kind of happened really fast. So much waiting and now - boom - here it is. In my face.

Emotions are running high. When my surgery reminder popped up on my computer's calendar this morning, I felt like I was ready to jump out of my skin. It's like an odd sense of the feeling of stage fright I get anytime I have to speak or perform (flash back to jr high majorette days) in front of a crowd. Frankly, I'd prefer to just sleep all day today so that I don't have to think about what I am about to do tomorrow. Yes - it's normal to have nerves. I know this. If I wasn't nervous, there'd be something seriously wrong with me. I just can't help but think - Am I doing the right thing?

In my heart of hearts, I know I am. You don't go through half a lifetime of being overweight and not think a guaranteed solution to help you lose weight is a good idea. However,  it's still a scary prospect. People have asked me what I am afraid of, and when I think about it - the only thing I worry about is complications. I wish I knew I was going to be ok. To feel ok. To not have that dreaded initial buyers remorse that some talk about.

I confessed to my friend Jane yesterday that I feel there will be no room to complain if I am in pain or nauseous or whatever - BECAUSE I CHOSE to do this to myself. Not that I am looking for sympathy but I feel like when you make a decision to electively have surgery - no matter  what it is - you have to deal with the risks and take the bad with the good, and you do it without complaint. Maybe that's not a realistic view of how things are or should be but it's just part of the whirlwind of thoughts that's whipping through my head at the moment.

I know that all of this anxiety is coming from fear of the unknown. While I may have been in a preparatory program for this surgery since November, I don't think I'll really know what's what until I become an official member of the loser's club. It's kind of like grad school. I spent 2 1/2 years "learning" to be a teacher but nothing could prepare me for the reality of an actual day in the classroom filled with 24 little ones. You gain your true knowledge by being in the trenches and I think this surgery is no different. I have to figure out what's going to work for me. I have to spend serious time navigating this new way of life and figuring out what will make me most successful. It will take work.

Nervousness doesn't have the full monopoly on my feelings today,  though. I'm also pretty damn excited. Even if there are are some issues with surgery that I have to deal with,  I know that long term,  this surgery is going to be a life changer. My life is pretty damn fantastic already, so it's hard to imagine it getting much better. But I do know that the way I look and feel is going to factor greatly on making life easier. And easier is good. Since I've never had a thin stage in my life, this is going to be a whole new world for me. I'm curious to see what the girl that's been living inside the fat suit is going to do with her new found freedom...Freedom of movement. Freedom of shame. Freedom of embarrassment. Freedom of hiding. Freedom of holding back. I hope the world is ready for her.

At the end of the day I couldn't be doing this without the support of my family and friends. Josh is like a rock. I know he's scared but he supports me nonetheless. He knows I have this. He knows I will be successful. He believes in me. He will be here by my side living through it with me and I am forever grateful for his love and willingness to have my back, no matter what.

So tomorrow is coming...the chance at "normalcy" I have been waiting for. Ready or not...it's on its way.