Emotional Overload

I cannot believe tomorrow is surgery day.

I have to say, I'm in a little bit of denial. This kind of happened really fast. So much waiting and now - boom - here it is. In my face.

Emotions are running high. When my surgery reminder popped up on my computer's calendar this morning, I felt like I was ready to jump out of my skin. It's like an odd sense of the feeling of stage fright I get anytime I have to speak or perform (flash back to jr high majorette days) in front of a crowd. Frankly, I'd prefer to just sleep all day today so that I don't have to think about what I am about to do tomorrow. Yes - it's normal to have nerves. I know this. If I wasn't nervous, there'd be something seriously wrong with me. I just can't help but think - Am I doing the right thing?

In my heart of hearts, I know I am. You don't go through half a lifetime of being overweight and not think a guaranteed solution to help you lose weight is a good idea. However,  it's still a scary prospect. People have asked me what I am afraid of, and when I think about it - the only thing I worry about is complications. I wish I knew I was going to be ok. To feel ok. To not have that dreaded initial buyers remorse that some talk about.

I confessed to my friend Jane yesterday that I feel there will be no room to complain if I am in pain or nauseous or whatever - BECAUSE I CHOSE to do this to myself. Not that I am looking for sympathy but I feel like when you make a decision to electively have surgery - no matter  what it is - you have to deal with the risks and take the bad with the good, and you do it without complaint. Maybe that's not a realistic view of how things are or should be but it's just part of the whirlwind of thoughts that's whipping through my head at the moment.

I know that all of this anxiety is coming from fear of the unknown. While I may have been in a preparatory program for this surgery since November, I don't think I'll really know what's what until I become an official member of the loser's club. It's kind of like grad school. I spent 2 1/2 years "learning" to be a teacher but nothing could prepare me for the reality of an actual day in the classroom filled with 24 little ones. You gain your true knowledge by being in the trenches and I think this surgery is no different. I have to figure out what's going to work for me. I have to spend serious time navigating this new way of life and figuring out what will make me most successful. It will take work.

Nervousness doesn't have the full monopoly on my feelings today,  though. I'm also pretty damn excited. Even if there are are some issues with surgery that I have to deal with,  I know that long term,  this surgery is going to be a life changer. My life is pretty damn fantastic already, so it's hard to imagine it getting much better. But I do know that the way I look and feel is going to factor greatly on making life easier. And easier is good. Since I've never had a thin stage in my life, this is going to be a whole new world for me. I'm curious to see what the girl that's been living inside the fat suit is going to do with her new found freedom...Freedom of movement. Freedom of shame. Freedom of embarrassment. Freedom of hiding. Freedom of holding back. I hope the world is ready for her.

At the end of the day I couldn't be doing this without the support of my family and friends. Josh is like a rock. I know he's scared but he supports me nonetheless. He knows I have this. He knows I will be successful. He believes in me. He will be here by my side living through it with me and I am forever grateful for his love and willingness to have my back, no matter what.

So tomorrow is coming...the chance at "normalcy" I have been waiting for. Ready or not...it's on its way.

Sharing is Caring???

I have a love/hate relationship with the Bariatric Surgery Forums on Facebook.

On one hand, they provide unlimited free information for pre-and post op patients from those who have forged the trail before me. There's encouragement, friendly banter, recipes, and of course the forever-loved before and after pictures showing every side of weight loss surgery you'd ever want to see.

These forums are meant to be a means of positive support and for the most part, they are. It's amazing how much perfect strangers are willing to share the good, the bad and the ugly -  no holds barred. This is the part I love. I'm perfectly ok with people who have been super successful and whose stories are filled with good news. But every now and again, while scrolling through the endless posts,  one jumps out about someone who regrets surgery.

Last night there was a woman who posted a video about her shit turning brick-like and how she ended up in the ER with multiple doctors trying to get the rock in her ass to come out. We're talking multiple enemas and no movement. She said it was her public service announcement so that others don't have to suffer but, damn if it didn't freak me the fuck out just a bit.

Of course I know that with any surgery, complications are a real possibility. I'm thankful to be having my sleeve done at a good hospital with an excellent bariatric program. But there is always the chance that something doesn't go quite right. And it scares me more than I have let on.

The good news is, most of the posts on the forums are from patients with glowing reviews of the surgery and documentation of their amazing progress. Many say that this was the best gift they ever gave themselves and I am hoping that I can add myself to that list of people in the near future.

The pre-op diet has given me serious pause for reflection on my eating habits. While I'm not finding it to be terribly difficult to stick to this pre-op plan (its only for two week after all), I know I still need the actual surgery as a tool to help me be successful. This is all about a mindset change - but I feel that won't happen without knowing I can achieve success. And that's the difference between this time and every other past attempt at weight loss. I'm GOING to get there. I WILL succeed. It will just be up to me to make sure I don't slip backwards once I do.

 There are many people who have shared their weight gain sagas surrounding this surgery. Without full changing your relationship with food and committing to new and different way of life, I can see how easily the tool that once was your friend can turn into your foe. It might be one of the scariest aspect of this surgery - even scarier than brick-like shits.

At the end of the day, I'm nervous and scared, but also elated that I am taking this life-changing step toward better health. I never, ever thought I would. I just can't wait to see what's on the other side of this fat suit.

Jumping Hurdles

I know it's been a while since I've blogged - and of course there's very good reason for that. For the past 2 months, I've been eyeball deep in end of year school stuff. The last marking period, while being the most beloved of all the marking periods, is also one of the craziest. There's so much wrap up to do at the end of the year, it seems like it will never get done. Somehow it always does - except for getting my room packed up and organized, but I suppose that's what the week after the last week of school is for.

In the midst of all the hustle and bustle surrounding the end of school, I've been submerged in planning for my surgery which is (holy freaking shit) 10 days away. I'm officially on Day 4 of my pre-op diet which, based on what I have been reading from other bariatric patients on FB, is a dream compared to what some others have had to do pre-op. Thankfully I am not restricted to liquids only. That small meal at the end of the day is probably the saving grace that is keeping me from jumping off the ledge. I just keep telling myself to keep my eye on the prize. And although I have had those motivational thoughts when dieting in the past,  this time I know the prize will actually come to fruition.

Yesterday I survived our annual family picnic which is pretty much the food orgy of the year. I almost didn't go because I wasn't sure that my willpower was fully developed but I bit the bullet and decided what the hell? I figured I could always leave if I felt myself waning. Surprisingly, I made it through with out much ado. I did come prepared with a protein shake, protein bar and lots and lots of water. I'm not going to say it was easy, but it wasn't exactly as difficult as I thought it would be either. Interestingly enough, my trip to Costco and Wegmans this morning proved to have far more temptation than even the picnic goodies. I guess the more days I go without eating my typical fare,  the more I will want it. I think it's safe to to say I've had to file divorce from eating as I once knew it.
Protein shakes are my new infatuation. What a turn around.

I'll admit I've been having a few moments here and there when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But then I think about my future and ask myself what it is that I really want out of this thing. I want to feel better. I want to look better. I want a life that's active, not couch potato-esque. I'm guaranteed these things with the surgery, but not without serious change to both mind and actions.  This will not be an easy journey, by any means. No matter what the uninformed masses say.

In the meantime, I'll just keep plugging through until surgery day. I'm hoping to get a few days in at the beach to help relax me and put me in the right state of mind as I prepare to turn the page on this new chapter. It'll be another test but one I am sure I can pass. I can do anything knowing I'm on path to a better me. It will be so worth it!