What Type of Dieter am I?

Happy Friday!

I thought I'd try posting this evening, despite my previous insistence that I am a useless bump on a log on a Friday night. Be warned, however,  that I have poured myself a glass of wine - one that wouldn't necessarily be described as "small" - and that whatever these fingers pound out on the keyboard is entirely dependent on how quickly all this liquid gold hits the bloodstream. Let's face it, friends - I give myself 10 minutes before this entire post is complete and utter gibberish. I best type quickly...

I suppose I'll just get right to the thick of this post - which is my weigh in today. I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the whole thing, and here's why. Although there was no gain this week (insert silent cheer here), there was no loss either (insert silent boo hiss here). As I mentioned last week, there is a part of me that feels like this early in a weight loss game of this size (pun intended),  there is no excuse for a "weak week" so to speak. Meaning, with so much weight to drop, it should be easier, rather than harder, to kiss more fat cells goodbye in the beginning of this journey. So, when I have a week like this week, or even last week, I seriously start to question my dieting integrity.

I am so in awe of the outpouring of support and encouragement I have received from friends and family upon my announcement to become a healthier me. I can only hope Bruce Jenner is receiving the same kind of support for his announcement! In all seriousness, please know that your comments on Facebook or my blog mean the world to me and I take to heart each and every word you have lovingly taken the time to write. When I post my weight loss, or in today's case, weight stall, there are encouraging words all around me telling me that essentially no gain is a loss (thanks, Jamie) and that I should go easy on myself in this journey (thanks, Kelly). The rational side of me applauds those comments and knows in my heart of hearts that they are right. This will probably be a journey of epic length and filled with trials and tribulations from the tiny to the grandiose. It's not worth it to go all Fight Club on myself because if I do that, I fail in more ways than one.

The other side of me - the Fat Nazi - is angry. She thinks I'm slacking and wants to kick my ass ten ways to Sunday because she KNOWS I can do better. In my heart of hearts, I believe she is right too...
When I think of the week I had and the kind of food that I allowed to pass the lips, pass the gums, watch out stomach here it comes - I can't say the non-loss is a huge surprise.

Here is the thing. I'm not eating McDonald's on my way home from work. I'm not eating donuts in secret, in my car, in the parking lot of Wegmans. I'm not eating crunchy Cheetos until all of my fingers are coated in bright orange whatever-the-hell-that-is. I'm not eating 4 slices of pizzeria pizza and washing it down with 3 beers. I'm not eating bowl after sugary bowl of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch for dinner when I'm too lazy to cook. And I'm definitely not baking anything in my kitchen that resembles a dessert of any kind. As a matter of fact, I have not had any dessert since the commencement of this new weight-loss journey. No matter how much I have thought about, craved, and desperately desired to do all of the above.

Not doing that stuff right there? That is what winning a battle feels like.  Have I had some white rice this week? Yes. Have I had a slice of lasagna this week? Yep. One medium slice. And trust me I could have sunk my whole chubby-cheeked face into that entire pan, it was that delish. The important thing is, I didn't. Have I indulged in 2 adult bevvy's last Friday night? Hiccup - Affirmative. Did I sneak a few small pieces of chocolate this week? Oh, you betcha. But I stopped after 3 Hershey Hugs. I said three. I'm not sure if you can completely appreciate the restraint that took because in the past, I can assure you 100%, that entire bag of Hugs would have been my bitch. Oh, and exercise? That was suppose to get kick started this week. Did it? I'm going to guess you already know the answer to that one.

It's fair to say that my clean eating has contained a few, a-hem, dirty spots.  If only they made Oxy Clean for diets. The question is: Am I ok with that? Do I want to be the type of dieter that understands there will be bumps in the road and as long as I am making some significant NSV's (non-scale victories), I should be happy, because that means I am seriously changing my relationship with food? Or do I want to be the type of dieter that gets fast results because I am steadfast and hardcore and use a take no prisoners approach to clean eating?

My fear is that by taking an "easier" approach where I adopt a more turtle versus hare role, I won't stay as focused. I'm afraid I'll become too lax and there will be more weeks like this week than there should be and weight loss will slow to a painful crawl. On the other hand, if I am too militant about this dieting thing, I'm going to snap and eventually wind up french kissing the frosting off a three-tier cake with a bag of french fries in one hand and a tub of Ben and Jerry's finest in the other. Screw the spoon.

What I want to know is: Is there a balance? If there is, I haven't discovered it yet - but I would like to. So many stories I have read where people are successful with weight loss take that extreme approach. They go balls to the wall with eating and exercise. It works for them. Will it work for me? Should I even try it?

I have always believed that food is the epicenter of life. So many of life's events, big or small, revolve around it and boost its importance. I've had an unhealthy relationship with it my whole life, despite my undying love for it. What I think I am discovering is, I can't go from one extreme to the other. I honestly don't know if I can go from having a steady, heavy relationship with cheese and pasta and pizza to having none at all. Perhaps I should cut them out cold turkey, but for now, significantly reducing the amount of time those drool-worthy guys spend hanging out in my mouth needs to be good enough. Maybe the less I let them in, the less I think I will need them. A girl can only hope.

For now, I suppose I will keep on, keeping on. I sincerely want to get better about monitoring my weekly menu. For example, if I do happen to have a serving of pasta during the week, it might be wise to skip the rice the next day. AND the next day. In other words - it's ok to make one or two mistakes, but not four or five. And let's not forget where exercise factors into this entire plan. If I had stayed on course and worked out this week as planned, I doubt I'd be making this post tonight. Or maybe I would. Who knows?

There is a new weekend and week ahead and I feel ready to embrace them both. In fact, I feel ready to embrace all the days ahead because they are coming, no matter what. I may as well be as prepared as I can be. Here's to more victories - both on the scale and off!

Weight Just A Minute....

It's Sunday afternoon and I am in complete denial that a full week of school is staring me in the face. After about 6 or so weeks of an abbreviated weekly schedule - Mother Nature created or otherwise -  it is back to reality and perhaps some normalcy this week, as there are no imminent snowstorms or holidays on the horizon. In a way, I'm looking forward to it because the less time I spend at home camped in front of the TV,  the less I think about making a chocolate cake and inhaling it in one bite.

I know I said I would post on Fridays to give an update on my weigh in. I'm still weighing in on Fridays but the posting at week's end has sort of proven to be an epic failure, simply because come Friday night, I'm utterly useless. My apologies, but until the summer rolls around, I'm thinking Saturdays or Sundays will fit my blogging schedule a tad better.

My weigh-in this week revealed another pound had packed its bags and said an emphatic"arrivederci" to my bod, never to be seen again, if all goes as planned. I'll admit, I wasn't ecstatic over what I consider to be a small loss so early in the game. But if there is one thing this girl has learned over time, it's that a loss is a loss is a loss. And when the loss in question is about that fat monkey on your back that's been weighing you down your whole life, you take it and you don't complain. In the 4 weeks since I began this new journey, I have lost 9.25 lbs. Sure, I had hoped to hit an even 10 lbs, but as Mick Jagger once said, you can't always get what you want.

There are a few pieces of my own personal weight loss puzzle that may have contributed to the smaller loss this week. Key pieces that don't quite fit what I'm trying to do which make me more than a smidge nervous.  Although I may talk a good talk, deep down, I know I am far from truly having a firm grip on this healthy eating thing. Dieting - or to be less demoralizing about it - changing my lifestyle toward a healthy existence - is an extremely slippery slope for me. Those that know me best have heard me speak convincingly of my plans to banish the weight many times before. They have seen me make attempt after attempt, all of which have not been successful long term. Here I am again, making the same pledge, and try as I might, it's tough to tune out that nagging voice in the back of my mind asking me why it's going to be any different this time around.

I know all about the poison that negative self-talk brings. It invades the body like a parasite and courses through your veins until it consumes you. It causes you to believe all of the untrue bullshit you've conjured up about yourself until you decide to just give in and let it take over. Maybe that's what has happened to me in the past. I often wonder if every single time I have decided to lose weight, I just didn't believe I could do it. Perhaps that nagging voice had more power than I knew. Doubt had a choke hold on me and with every slip up, no matter how small, made me believe there was no way I had it in me to see this journey through to the end. Maybe I didn't give myself the gift of time and patience to let it become a reality. Maybe I thought that anytime I made a mistake in my choices, whether they be diet or exercise related, meant that I didn't want it bad enough. Whatever it was, whatever the reason or reasons it didn't take hold in the past, I am going to do everything in my power not to let history repeat itself.

During this process, slip ups are going to happen. They have happened. Eating-wise, I'm noticing areas of weakness - cracks in my foundation, if you will - that are in need of immediate repair. Breakfast, as long as I make time for it, hasn't presented any glaring issues as of yet. My go to foods in the a.m. are either a Fage Greek yogurt with fruit or a chicken sausage with an egg. I'm still trying to get a handle on what clean eating really means in order to allow for weight loss, and what foods I need to limit or exclude, at least for the time being. Lunch has been tricky. I'm ashamed to say I've been using Lean Cuisines as a steady crutch, which I didn't want to do. They have too much sodium, are carb-heavy, and quite frankly, are rather tasteless and unexciting. However, on the plus side, they are convenient, portion-controlled, low-calorie, and require little thought or planning. Always looking for that silver lining!

This past week, dinners and snacks were where most of the damage occurred. I'm not measuring anything right now, and I'm beginning to see how those mindless, random handfuls of nuts here and there, along with a gob of peanut butter to accompany my perfectly-lovely-on-its-own apple, and eating hummus straight from the container, can easily pack on fat and calories, and put the brakes on my weight loss. Sure they're healthier alternatives to a heaping plate full of tortilla chips and melted cheese, but as with anything containing calories and fat, quantity does make a difference. Can I just say that the thought of measuring and weighing food makes me want to lash out like Kanye defending Beyonce at the Grammys? But I fear it may be a necessary evil in the upcoming weeks in order to keep that scale moving in the right direction. Sigh....

One of my best friends recently gave me some good advice. She told me to think back to what I ate the first week I was on plan and had a loss I was happy with, and try to stick as closely to that menu as possible. I'm certainly not expecting 4 pound losses each week, but with as much weight as I have to kiss goodbye, I don't think 2 is unreasonable. That first week, I had a sound meal plan and although it was simple, it did pay off. Meals were lean protein, salad and veggies. Carbs were low, sugar was totally buh-bye, minus the natural sugar in fruit, and yes, it all seemed to work. The past week or so I have not been as planned, or as careful, and it shows. It's so easy for bad habits to creep in, and I need to make sure that the few slip ups I have had do not turn into full-blown landslides from which I cannot recover.

As for the nagging voice that is sometimes louder than I care for - I'm trying very hard to ignore her. I do know that this time it's the real deal for me. I've resolved that it is going to be slow, and I want to learn how to be ok with that. It's not easy to be patient when I see what long road I have ahead of me. I'm so worried about having to travel uphill for such a long way. But when I think about it, being fat has been an uphill battle too. One that seemed to have no ending - just a steeper incline for me to trudge with each passing year. At least with this fresh, new journey, there is a summit for me to reach. And I will get there. No matter how long it takes.

Fatso Tuesday

Well, it's another snow day today. Another day of sitting at home ignoring the things I should be doing (hello, bathroom floor in need of mopping - I'm looking at you), and using all of my energy to try to not think about how much I'd like to be eating some junk food right about now. This crap is getting old.

What I hate most about days like today is the constant counting of the minutes until an acceptable dinner time appears on the clock. I have at least 2 hours to go, and even that time will be a little too "early-bird special" for my taste. But today, I'm going for it because, fact is fact -  I'm hungry and the longer I wait, the more difficult it's going to be to resist cooking up the remaining batter from Saturday's heart-shaped pancake Valentine breakfast. And I don't want to go there.

Today also happens to be Fat Tuesday, aptly named as it is also Fastnacht Day - one of the very foods that has contributed greatly to my very own fatness status over the years. To say I have a fondness for doughnuts is quite possibly the foodie understatement of a lifetime. My love for doughnuts is big. Huge, in fact. I love doughnuts the way Paula Deen loved butter before she realized the error of her ways. Wholly, unconditionally, and with deep, deep desire. Just typing this is causing me to drool.

Guess what? I'm not having any doughnuts today and I'm kind of ticked about that, if I'm bring truthful. As a matter of fact, I'm agonizing a bit over the whole idea of having to remove certain foods entirely from my diet while going through this journey, no matter how detrimental they have been to my weight loss efforts in the past. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that they aren't good for me. I know they have to go. But dammit if I'm not going to miss the hell out of them.

There is a mourning process that a dieter goes through when relinquishing certain foods during the weight loss process - especially ones that have been such faithful and consistent partners over the years. For me it's been about 3 decades or more since I began my dysfunctional relationship with food - the longest love relationship I've ever had. Food has been there with me, through good times and bad. To banish so much of it, so abruptly - especially the sugary treats and breads - is quite arduous. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not that I will NEVER eat these morsels again, but for now, we must part ways. It's for the best, even if it feels like abandonment of the worst kind. Breaking up really is hard to do - even if it's with your fat cells.

An old friend from high school was kind enough to send me a book she just finished called It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell. Andie is the author of the blog Can You Stay For Dinner? and has recently published her inspiring memoir detailing her addiction to food, 135 pound weight loss, and ongoing journey to build a healthy relationship with food. I devoured the book in 3 days (because I can't really 'devour' anything else right now) and it was so refreshing to hear someone echoing so many of the same sentiments I share in terms of the way I view food and how hard it is to let go, even when the writing is clearly on the wall that I need to. Each person has their own back story, and mine is very different from Andie's, but there are certain common threads among all those who are trying to shed weight, and those commonalities are what spoke to me.

One of the most powerful parts of her story - and the part I am clinging to now when it seems tough to stay focused - is when she learned that food does not remain the enemy. Right now, I've labeled so many foods as "bad" because they are either high in fat, calories and sugar, or are carb-laden, or have caused me to feel ill. My repertoire of 'allowed' foods is getting increasingly smaller, especially because I am afraid of eating things that will cause my indigestion to appear. I hate that the foods I once loved cannot be a part of my world right now because I simply don't know how to control myself around them. But I do take solace in knowing that in time, no matter if it's a year or longer, those foods can once again be enjoyed. Certainly, they won't be incorporated as frequently or be in the same portions as the past - but they will be present. Because let's face it - a life without cake is a pretty dull way to live.

I'm miles and miles away from that getting to that point, though. If this journey is a marathon, then I've just left the starting gate. Three weeks is a teeny tiny drop in the bucket compared to how far I've still yet to go. If I sound a tad defeated today, I'm really not. If anything, I feel even more committed after reading that book. Next week begins my exercise regimen which I think is going to do wonders to keep my focus strong and my eye on the prize. Right now, it's entirely about food choices and calorie restriction and I am realizing how challenging that is. Yes, all of that will still be into play even when I'm exercising, but it won't be the sole factor in calorie deficit, and that will make all the difference.

Until then, I'm going to pray for no more snow days. My willpower can't take much more!

My Bloody Valentine

I can't believe it's been almost a full week since I've blogged. However, there's something to be said about having a busy week. It leaves little time to eat and results in a 2 lb. loss for the week! You won't hear me complain about that - ever.

But even with a 2 lb. loss in the books, I didn't have what I'd consider a stellar week of eating. I skipped breakfast a few days, which isn't good practice. It sets me up for giant sized hunger come lunch time. And if I don't get enough at lunch - watch out. I then want to eat the refrigerator the second I walk in the door after school. I need to get better with giving myself enough time to at least get a cup of yogurt down my throat in the AM before my students roll through the door. Time management has never really been my thing.

In addition to skipping breakfast, there are a few worse confessions this week that I feel compelled to get off my chest. After some serious soul searching today, I realize there are a few not so wonderful behaviors that I have developed over the years that I still put into practice. And if continued, these behaviors will surely sabotage everything that I am working so hard to achieve.
Here are the culprits:

Bad behavior #1 - Blame it on the Period
Once a month, that nasty manipulative Aunt Flo tries to get on my good side by encouraging me to 'take a break' from dieting in order to satisfy the suitcase load of cravings she brings with her and unpacks with fury. "It's ok, " she seductively whispers in my ear. "I'm here now. Eat what you want." And I usually listen to her because her voice is encouraging, coaxing and familiar and she offers up a perfectly acceptable excuse to be 'bad' on a silver platter. I fall for it time and time again.  Hook, line and big ol' fat sinker.

I'm sorry, but bleeding from one's nether regions - no matter how annoying, disgusting, or disruptive to life it may be - should not be an excuse to drop healthy eating like a hot potato. Yet, somehow, I use this time of the month as a green light to do just that. Apparently, period brain is a real thing. I lose all sensibility and make love with the enemy. And for me, that enemy is sugar. So when I tell you that my trip to the Dollar Store to buy heart stickers for my Kindergarteners also included the purchase of a bag of Riesens Chocolate Chews, please know that I'm already hanging my head in deep shame. I mean Dollar Store candy? Come on. Have some class, Rochelle. If you're going to cheat, at least make it worth the calories. Let's just say the crinkled, discarded wrappers in my coat pocket are mocking reminders of what I've done. Next month, I'll be better. I promise.

Bad Behavior #2 - Weigh-In Day Indulgences
As you know, Fridays are my official weigh-in day. This is not a coincidence, my friends. It is about as calculated as it gets. If I'm going to indulge, it's usually on a Friday night, after a long week of work. On Friday nights, food tastes better, drinks are stronger, and my willpower tends to take a flying leap out the window. By the time Friday night rolls around, my weekly weight loss has been faithfully documented and I am 7 days away from having to report it again. That also means, to the mind of a somewhat twisted diabolical dieter, I have 7 days to repair any damage that Friday night may bring. This past Friday, I fell off the wagon early in the day. Meaning I was at school and couldn't even hide my bad choices under the cloak of darkness. Our Valentine's Day party at school included Dominoes pizza, Hershey Kisses, and a side of What The Hell Was I Thinking? And if two pieces of Dominos pizza (which I don't even like, by the way) and 7 Hershey Kisses didn't quite meet the 'falling off the wagon' definition for the day, my evening liquid dinner consisting of two lemon drop martinis sealed the deal.

Bad Behavior #3 - Cashing In On Inexplicable Weight Loss
So, even after the indiscretions with the Riesens, pizza, candy and booze, I still managed to see another 1.25lbs loss from Friday to Saturday morning. Say what?
This, my friends, is what you call a dieting miracle. A gift from the fat gods that should be enjoyed but also one that should be left well enough alone. But if you're me, you mistake this loss for being the positive result of making poor food choices. I even tried to bullshit myself this morning that I must be doing something right with "confusing" my body with healthy eating most days but crappy eating one or two days. Hallelujah! It's the newest solution in weight loss!! There's only one problem with that. Even I don't believe that load of horse crap. I know this morning the scale was just being kind - but that eventually those calories will catch up to me. But even with that knowledge tucked away in the far corners of my brain, I continued on my path of destruction today. Pancakes (no butter or syrup - but still) and the small 6 piece Whitman's sampler Josh gave me for Valentine's Day. Oh, and let's not forget the 6 Hershey Kisses. One for each Valentine's Day Josh and I have been together. I loved the sentiment - but seriously. Someone wire my jaw shut - stat!

Here's the thing. Eating good, makes me feel good. Eating bad, makes me feel bad. It's not rocket science. It's a simple fact. So all of that bad eating? Yeah, it came back to bite me. Hard. In the middle of a phone conversation with one of my best friends, I had to promptly hang up when that horrible familiar feeling (you know the one from from Super Bowl Sunday?) came creeping up on me. Puking was imminent and I knew it. I said goodbye quickly and then raced to the bathroom. If you read my post from 2/1, you know how this all went down from there.

I said it before and I'll say it again. My body is talking to me through this whole process. It is communicating in the only way it knows how. I've been taught a valuable lesson today and it's that my old way of life CANNOT continue to be a part of my new way of life. The temporary ecstasy that I feel when I eat a piece (or 10) of chocolate candy isn't worth the barf session I have afterward when it's all said and done. I felt like champ these past few weeks when I was doing 'the right stuff', and over the course of two or three days, I fell flat on my face with the reminder of what happens when I go off plan.

Yes, I am disappointed with myself, but certainly not discouraged. If anything, this only makes me more determined to see this life style change through no matter how many times I fall down. I am only beginning this journey and I know there are going to be moments of weakness and bad judgement, along with (hopefully) longer stretches of determination, strength, and better choices. Perfection isn't in my vocabulary. We are all flawed in some way. Many of my flaws happen to center around how I interact with food - but I am working on changing all that. In the meantime, I think it's good for me to take pause and acknowledge the behaviors that are no longer working for me. It helps me to understand just what I've been doing all these years that has set me so far back from the goal I so badly want to achieve. I'm not beating myself up, but I am taking responsibility for my actions. After all, I am the only one in charge here.

This very moment resets the clock for me. I'm not going to dwell on the past few days, or even the past few hours. They are gone and I can't change them. What I can do is control what happens in the moments that are yet to come. And I will make them count. Because I have to.

Mind Over Fatter

Ok. Truth time. I am really struggling today.

It's amazing what a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was all self-confident perched atop my good-eating high horse and today all I want to do is just binge on whatever sweet or crunchy tidbit I can find. I haven't done it, but damn, it's getting increasingly more difficult to resist those stupid chocolate chips I was so indifferent to less than 24 hours ago.

They say the devil will find work for idle hands to do, and I think that's maybe what's going on here today. It's cloudy and there's winter weather brewing in the air. I should be doing some of my school work but my motivation seems to be playing hide and seek with me, and apparently I'm the one whose turn it is to do the seeking. Josh built a fire and I have camped my butt firmly on the couch to watch a marathon of Beachfront Bargain Hunt and all I can think about is eating. Ugh. Why?

I know that in my last post I said I had a plan for when I get "bored" and I do. And I'm pretty sure this is boredom, not real hunger, that I'm feeling. Of course, I have a million and one things I could and should be doing, none of which are appealing at the moment. So here I sit, idle. Except my mind is on overdrive trying NOT to think about how much I'd like a big ole' bowl of ice cream or piece of cake (neither of which I have on the premises, thank God) or the frozen Charleston Chew I spied hidden in the back of the freezer last night. So much for having no temptation in the house. Apparently there is some.

I just gotta buck up here. There are going to be plenty more days like this ahead in this journey, so I may as well get used to them. It's how I handle them that's going to be key. I don't know if I handled today "correctly" or not but I gave it my best attempt on a day when I felt like I could have really dove off the diet ledge. So far my food consumption has included the following: An apple with 2 Tbsp natural peanut butter for breakfast, 2 cajun turkey & swiss roll ups & 1/2 can Progresso Light chicken soup for lunch, and 5 celery stalks and approximately 3 Tbsp lite ranch dressing for snack. Dinner will be a 3 oz portion of skirt steak, a sweet potato and steamed broccoli. Not bad for the day, all told. Or am I delusional?

Josh is out in the kitchen cooking the steak now and it smells like heaven. No, it's not chocolate, but it will be delicious all the same. And it certainly won't feel like I'm being deprived.

I think I'm going to survive this day.

Feeding the Hunger

Happy Saturday, friends.

I'm a day late with getting my Friday weigh-in post up, but when I got home last night I was feeling rather tired and uninspired, so I decided to wait. Besides, it's hard to type when your eyes are half-closed.

I wouldn't exactly say I've been bowled over with inspiration since last evening. However, I did come across the quote in the picture at the top of my blog today while perusing Pinterest for clean eating recipes, and something about it spoke to me.

This past week, a couple people have asked what I am doing on this "diet" in order to be successful. I feel a little weird using the word "successful" this soon, as I am only two weeks deep into this thing. In my mind, I'm only going to be the true definition of "successful" when I am down to a weight I can live with happily ever after. I really don't know what that number is, but right now the overarching goal is to lose 100 pounds. It's lofty for sure, but unfortunately it's not a far-fetched necessity. Even if I lose that much, those stupid height/weight charts that the doctors have lying around their offices to make you feel like crap, will tell me I am still overweight. Sometimes, being Lilliputian-short bites the big one.

When I was asked about what I am doing (this time around), it was really very simple to answer. This first phase of my new way of living involves overhauling my diet and actually thinking about what I  put in my mouth. Gone are the chips, crackers, dips, pasta, and most bread products. I've also kissed the majority of processed foods good-bye with the exception of a few things like Lean Cuisines (allowed a few times a week if needed) because they are a convenient portion controlled lunch option for me at the moment. Remember, I am taking baby steps here - and although I want to eat as clean as possible, there is something to be said about having an easy option every now and again so I don't go barrel-assing into a Five Guys at high noon with a feed bag strapped on my face when I'm feeling vulnerable.

Believe it or not, in the not so distant past, being unprepared for hunger or "boredom" was deadly for me. There were times I would come home after work, walk in the door and be ravenous. Or, there were times I was just sitting around the house watching TV or surfing the web and I'd think, "Hey! I'm bored/tired/happy/angry/anxious/upset/enter whatever emotion you want here! I want food!" Even if our house was stocked with healthy food options like fruits and veggies, if there was a bag of Hershey Kisses in my line of sight, I'd make a beeline to it and munch on those bad boys like my life depended on it. Until I was full. Or felt sick. Whichever came first. Same rule applied to chips, or other kinds of candy, or even cheese and crackers. And do you know how small a serving size of cheese is supposed to be? One ounce...or, the size of your thumb. Come on. Who am I kidding? Let's just say if I ate a piece of cheese the size of a thumb, it surely wasn't my thumb.  Paul Bunyun's maybe. But definitely not mine.

So, the thought provoking quote above says, "If you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, then you are not hungry." It's a great quote, and now that I'm 2-weeks clean from my carb and sugar-laden food coma, I can see they're also words to live by. Before, when I wanted food - truly hungry or not - I never took the time to stop and think that eating an apple, or some carrots, or maybe a handful of raisins and nuts, would take away my hunger - not just as well, but better than - a boat-load of Hershey Kisses or whatever other quick bad-food fix I went for to satisfy my need to eat. I made meals out of chocolate and chips for God's sake. The FIRST time that happened, red flags should have been waving all around me.  And perhaps they were, but I suppose ignorance can a beautiful thing when you want it to be.

This new approach to eating has forced me rethink what my options are for satisfying hunger. You better believe they don't include Hershey Kisses (sob!). As a matter of fact, there isn't a damn thing in my house right now, other than baking supplies,  that I consider a temptation. And even that larger-than-life sized bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips isn't all that tempting. When I'm hungry, truly hungry, I have learned to make good choices. Apples, oranges, yogurt or nuts. And when I have down time at home and I'm feeling restless, I have learned that food isn't the answer. Water is. Sleep is. Talking to my husband or a friend is. Allowing myself 15 minutes before acting on anything is - to see if it's true hunger or just a craving. These are game changers for me.

I'm not going to blow smoke up anyone's rear and say that the last two weeks have been a walk in the park. I'm still thinking about and missing the bad foods I've banished and I still crave sweets (although far less than I did at the onset of this new eating program)....but the important thing is, I'm not acting on it. I'm not Mother Theresa so I know that I will have days where there will be cake and chocolate down the road. But for now, I'm content in knowing I am learning a healthier approach to eating. I must admit, I can't wait until the day where wanting to reach for an apple as a snack is second nature, versus wanting to jam a Snickers bar in my face. Yes, I still want the Snickers. But I don't have the Snickers. I have the apple. But I have to tell myself I want the apple, and that is the part I wish would feel natural. I know that it will in time. And, if I am learning anything with this process, it is patience.

I am two pounds lighter this week (6.25 lbs gone total), so I guess whatever I have been doing is paying off. I'm going to keep it up and fingers crossed, let it take me all the way to my goal this time. Wish me luck!

Why Did I Want to Become a Loser?

So, remember that great Super Bowl menu I was telling you about? Not the one that involved nachos and wings - but the one I was planning on actually making? The bean-stuffed peppers, the buffalo cauliflower and the chicken tortilla soup? Well, I hate to report this - but it didn't happen. And the reason why it didn't happen is really one of the main catalysts in making me decide it is truly time to end my war with being overweight.

It's not that I said "screw it" when I saw the Patriots score was up and decided if my team was going to lose, then I may as well give up and give in to temptation. That's not how it went down at all. Incidentally, I bought the all ingredients, Josh and I did the early prep work for the meal, and I even took the time to blog about how proud I was of my stellar game-day food choices. But right in the middle of simmering the filling for my peppers, something happened that put an abrupt halt to my food preparation and pretty much my feeling of well being for the day. Standing by the oven, I was hit with a terrible, jolting, painful, feels-like-a-heart-attack-but-isn't, episode of indigestion. It came out of nowhere and hit me like a Mack truck. I don't know how many of you have ever experienced indigestion, but I feel like mine delivers a special dose of hell. When it comes on (and I never seem to know when it will), I experience horrible chest pressure, sweating, weakness, and a desperate need to release a King Kong sized burp that feels like it is trapped in my heart. And if I don't burp it out, I have to puke it out. Think "The Exorcist". Yeah, that's me. This is what it's come to.

Unfortunately, Sunday's painful and scary episode was not my first. As a matter of fact, these episodes have become increasingly more frequent and have, more often than not, involved throwing up to relieve the pressure in my chest. The first time it happened to me, I was not entirely convinced I wasn't having a heart attack. The two episodes prior to Sunday's attack occurred while at school, although thankfully not while students were under my care. I am beyond terrified that this is going to happen in front of the kids and I really don't know what I'd do if it did. Retching it out isn't a quiet or pretty thing. Ask my poor husband who has stood by, handing me wet paper towels as I gagged and projectile vomited into the toilet during one of these episodes, begging God to get whatever demon was inside causing me this pain, out of my system. Sorry to be graphic, but I did promise honesty on here.

Anyway, obviously there is a problem and I know I have to go see my doctor. I am calling tomorrow to get an appointment and hopefully will be given a script to have an upper GI done. I have been on a steady diet of Prilosec since the last bout of indigestion at school, but ironically enough, I did not take one on Super Bowl Sunday. Lesson learned. These episodes are scary as hell. My body is talking to me and I hear it loud and clear. It's had enough of the crap and is starting to reject the diet I have fed it for the last 40 something years. It's funny to think that when I was in my 20's and 30's I accepted being overweight in some twisted way because health-wise, I felt good. Other than being uncomfortable in my own skin at times, I never had any health issues. Even to this day, when I go to the doctor, my blood pressure is perfect. It's bizarre. But now? Well, let's just say I am too young to feel this old. And I think it's safe to say that the problems aren't going to get better if I turn the other cheek. Nothing makes you realize you need to change your wicked ways than the threat of crushing chest pain accompanied by a trip to worship the porcelain god. Believe it or not, I used to be an idiot and wish my doctor would tell me I had some kind of condition that would force me to have to seriously lose weight. All I can to say to that is, careful what you wish for.

The good thing is, it's not too late for me. I realize things have to change now and I am making that happen.  And even though I may have some sort of health issue, I can work beyond that - whatever it may be. Because at the end of the day, it's that "whatever" that made me take a good, long, hard look at myself and ask the tough questions: Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Are you living to eat or eating to live? How are you benefiting from your current lifestyle? Why are you so afraid to do this? What is stopping you from this goal you have had for nearly 3 decades????????

That last question makes me want to weep. I think about all that time lost in a body that didn't feel like the "me" I felt I was on the inside. That's a whole other can of worms - but I'll save that for another time.

I am confident that this new approach to eating is going to have an impact on my life in only the best of ways. It took feeling horrible to make me see what treating your body right is all about. And for that, I am grateful. Grateful it was only indigestion and not something far worse. Because if it wasn't for the indigestion, I might still be sliding down that slippery slope...towards Lord knows what other health problems. I'm actually quite lucky.

If I could impart any final words of wisdom this evening, I might say to my younger friends - don't be like me. Don't wait until something happens to you to start being good to yourself. Right now, you may be feeling a-ok. You may not have any issues. You may be thinking that being overweight is simply an inconvenience. I thought that way for a long time. But eventually, it catches up. And it happens sooner than you think. Yeah, call me Debbie Downer if you want. I've been called worse.

I'm two days away from weight in, and curious about the results this week. I'm not expecting such a big number as last week, but am hopeful that there will be a loss. Two more weeks and then I start my exercise regimen. I'm pretty stoked to be honest.

Until next time.....

Super Bad Super Bowl

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, my friends!

On this day dedicated to football-watching and notoriously bad food choices, I thought I would post about some things I have been experiencing recently and am finding particularly challenging today.

Historically speaking, Super Bowl Sunday is a green light for gluttony - at least it has been for me in the past. Nachos, chicken taquitos, chips, dip, wings, and beer. Was there ever a better sounding menu for an evening camped out out on the couch, screaming at the TV set broadcasting a game with a bunch of men with big biceps and tight pants, with balls that may or may not be deflated? No, I didn't think so either.

Well, those food choices aren't an option for me today, even though I still plan on watching the big game. Josh and I have talked at length about what we'd like to eat today. He really doesn't buy much into the hype that it's practically mandatory to eat your face off on game day, and would be happy with a simple bowl of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. As for me, I've always enjoyed any day that gives me a free pass to eat with wild abandon. This year, however, that's not going to happen, and planning for that was, in a word, interesting.

Most people know that I am a self-proclaimed foodie. I LOVE to cook and bake and adore spending time pouring over my abundant cookbooks, and finding new and exciting recipes online, planning what yummy deliciousness I can make next. I could spend hours watching the Barefoot Contessa, Pioneer Woman, and Bobby Flay whip up their culinary magic on the Cooking Channel. They are like Kitchen Gods to me. And Pinterest? Oh, don't even get me started on Pinterest...it's a damn time-suck devil where millions of delightfully decadent recipes get pinned my "Food Stuff" wall to tempt and tease me at one click of my keyboard. I am in love with food and I can't deny it.

All this week leading up to the big game, it seems my favorite shows and online resources for food inspiration have been bringing out the big guns in terms of food offerings for this one major sports event. And while there may be the occasional mention of something, a-hem, "healthy" - most of the recipes are a dieters nightmare and then some. Case in point: There was picture of a salted caramel cheesecake that popped up today on my Facebook feed that looked so divine it almost made me cry. And the sky-high chicken nacho pile that was featured on Pioneer Woman made me wish she lived next door.

So... what is a person who is newly committed to a healthy lifestyle to do? Plan! Plan! Plan! That's what! As I mentioned, my husband and I talked about it and since I was the one who cared more about what we were going to consume today, I got to plan the menu! It pays to be particular, I guess. :-)

First up - an alternative to wings was a must. Thankfully, there has been a buffalo cauliflower recipe that has been floating around Pinterest and FB for some time now that I know first hand is truly yummy and will satisfy my craving for that hot-sauce wingy-taste. Except cauliflower won't blow my diet the way fried wings would - so there's that. I'm also opting to make ground turkey & bean stuffed peppers and a chicken tortilla soup (minus the tortillas, cheese, and sour cream that the recipe calls for) that is very low-calorie (with my modifications) but extremely high in the flavor department. Win-win!!!

It's not an overly exciting menu but it is one that works for me and will keep me on track. It's chock-full of veggies, insanely flavorful, and very low-carb, minus the beans. But they're BEANS after all - so really? It's better than bread, so I'm okay with a few healthy carbs making their way onto my plate. I've even been toying with the idea of having a glass of red wine, but we'll see how the rest of my eating goes for today and whether or not I feel that indulgence is necessary come kick-off time. At the end of the day, I know I won't die without it, no matter how much I might whine that I will.

I'm beginning to see that it really is all about planning. Not just for today, but for the rest of this journey, which essentially will be for the rest of my life. I'm giving serious thought to what I eat and how much I eat and I'm proud of that. It's when no plan is in place that I get into trouble, so I am going to try my very best not to let that happen. I read another weight loss blog last night that talked about making gradual modifications so that weight loss and dieting doesn't seem so daunting. I have to say I agree with that logic. If someone ever tells me I can't ever have a drink again, guaranteed we're going to go a couple rounds. But if I tell myself I have the power to make choices in my day that allow that drink, then I am in control. It's all about being mindful. It makes so much sense it's stupid I waited this long to get on board.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the game and that the Patriots and their balls go home completely deflated. Ha! Enjoy whatever you are doing today, and fingers crossed for a snow day tomorrow to recuperate (I won't need to but would still take the snow day).

Until next time...