Fatso Tuesday

Well, it's another snow day today. Another day of sitting at home ignoring the things I should be doing (hello, bathroom floor in need of mopping - I'm looking at you), and using all of my energy to try to not think about how much I'd like to be eating some junk food right about now. This crap is getting old.

What I hate most about days like today is the constant counting of the minutes until an acceptable dinner time appears on the clock. I have at least 2 hours to go, and even that time will be a little too "early-bird special" for my taste. But today, I'm going for it because, fact is fact -  I'm hungry and the longer I wait, the more difficult it's going to be to resist cooking up the remaining batter from Saturday's heart-shaped pancake Valentine breakfast. And I don't want to go there.

Today also happens to be Fat Tuesday, aptly named as it is also Fastnacht Day - one of the very foods that has contributed greatly to my very own fatness status over the years. To say I have a fondness for doughnuts is quite possibly the foodie understatement of a lifetime. My love for doughnuts is big. Huge, in fact. I love doughnuts the way Paula Deen loved butter before she realized the error of her ways. Wholly, unconditionally, and with deep, deep desire. Just typing this is causing me to drool.

Guess what? I'm not having any doughnuts today and I'm kind of ticked about that, if I'm bring truthful. As a matter of fact, I'm agonizing a bit over the whole idea of having to remove certain foods entirely from my diet while going through this journey, no matter how detrimental they have been to my weight loss efforts in the past. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that they aren't good for me. I know they have to go. But dammit if I'm not going to miss the hell out of them.

There is a mourning process that a dieter goes through when relinquishing certain foods during the weight loss process - especially ones that have been such faithful and consistent partners over the years. For me it's been about 3 decades or more since I began my dysfunctional relationship with food - the longest love relationship I've ever had. Food has been there with me, through good times and bad. To banish so much of it, so abruptly - especially the sugary treats and breads - is quite arduous. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not that I will NEVER eat these morsels again, but for now, we must part ways. It's for the best, even if it feels like abandonment of the worst kind. Breaking up really is hard to do - even if it's with your fat cells.

An old friend from high school was kind enough to send me a book she just finished called It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell. Andie is the author of the blog Can You Stay For Dinner? and has recently published her inspiring memoir detailing her addiction to food, 135 pound weight loss, and ongoing journey to build a healthy relationship with food. I devoured the book in 3 days (because I can't really 'devour' anything else right now) and it was so refreshing to hear someone echoing so many of the same sentiments I share in terms of the way I view food and how hard it is to let go, even when the writing is clearly on the wall that I need to. Each person has their own back story, and mine is very different from Andie's, but there are certain common threads among all those who are trying to shed weight, and those commonalities are what spoke to me.

One of the most powerful parts of her story - and the part I am clinging to now when it seems tough to stay focused - is when she learned that food does not remain the enemy. Right now, I've labeled so many foods as "bad" because they are either high in fat, calories and sugar, or are carb-laden, or have caused me to feel ill. My repertoire of 'allowed' foods is getting increasingly smaller, especially because I am afraid of eating things that will cause my indigestion to appear. I hate that the foods I once loved cannot be a part of my world right now because I simply don't know how to control myself around them. But I do take solace in knowing that in time, no matter if it's a year or longer, those foods can once again be enjoyed. Certainly, they won't be incorporated as frequently or be in the same portions as the past - but they will be present. Because let's face it - a life without cake is a pretty dull way to live.

I'm miles and miles away from that getting to that point, though. If this journey is a marathon, then I've just left the starting gate. Three weeks is a teeny tiny drop in the bucket compared to how far I've still yet to go. If I sound a tad defeated today, I'm really not. If anything, I feel even more committed after reading that book. Next week begins my exercise regimen which I think is going to do wonders to keep my focus strong and my eye on the prize. Right now, it's entirely about food choices and calorie restriction and I am realizing how challenging that is. Yes, all of that will still be into play even when I'm exercising, but it won't be the sole factor in calorie deficit, and that will make all the difference.

Until then, I'm going to pray for no more snow days. My willpower can't take much more!