Why Did I Want to Become a Loser?

So, remember that great Super Bowl menu I was telling you about? Not the one that involved nachos and wings - but the one I was planning on actually making? The bean-stuffed peppers, the buffalo cauliflower and the chicken tortilla soup? Well, I hate to report this - but it didn't happen. And the reason why it didn't happen is really one of the main catalysts in making me decide it is truly time to end my war with being overweight.

It's not that I said "screw it" when I saw the Patriots score was up and decided if my team was going to lose, then I may as well give up and give in to temptation. That's not how it went down at all. Incidentally, I bought the all ingredients, Josh and I did the early prep work for the meal, and I even took the time to blog about how proud I was of my stellar game-day food choices. But right in the middle of simmering the filling for my peppers, something happened that put an abrupt halt to my food preparation and pretty much my feeling of well being for the day. Standing by the oven, I was hit with a terrible, jolting, painful, feels-like-a-heart-attack-but-isn't, episode of indigestion. It came out of nowhere and hit me like a Mack truck. I don't know how many of you have ever experienced indigestion, but I feel like mine delivers a special dose of hell. When it comes on (and I never seem to know when it will), I experience horrible chest pressure, sweating, weakness, and a desperate need to release a King Kong sized burp that feels like it is trapped in my heart. And if I don't burp it out, I have to puke it out. Think "The Exorcist". Yeah, that's me. This is what it's come to.

Unfortunately, Sunday's painful and scary episode was not my first. As a matter of fact, these episodes have become increasingly more frequent and have, more often than not, involved throwing up to relieve the pressure in my chest. The first time it happened to me, I was not entirely convinced I wasn't having a heart attack. The two episodes prior to Sunday's attack occurred while at school, although thankfully not while students were under my care. I am beyond terrified that this is going to happen in front of the kids and I really don't know what I'd do if it did. Retching it out isn't a quiet or pretty thing. Ask my poor husband who has stood by, handing me wet paper towels as I gagged and projectile vomited into the toilet during one of these episodes, begging God to get whatever demon was inside causing me this pain, out of my system. Sorry to be graphic, but I did promise honesty on here.

Anyway, obviously there is a problem and I know I have to go see my doctor. I am calling tomorrow to get an appointment and hopefully will be given a script to have an upper GI done. I have been on a steady diet of Prilosec since the last bout of indigestion at school, but ironically enough, I did not take one on Super Bowl Sunday. Lesson learned. These episodes are scary as hell. My body is talking to me and I hear it loud and clear. It's had enough of the crap and is starting to reject the diet I have fed it for the last 40 something years. It's funny to think that when I was in my 20's and 30's I accepted being overweight in some twisted way because health-wise, I felt good. Other than being uncomfortable in my own skin at times, I never had any health issues. Even to this day, when I go to the doctor, my blood pressure is perfect. It's bizarre. But now? Well, let's just say I am too young to feel this old. And I think it's safe to say that the problems aren't going to get better if I turn the other cheek. Nothing makes you realize you need to change your wicked ways than the threat of crushing chest pain accompanied by a trip to worship the porcelain god. Believe it or not, I used to be an idiot and wish my doctor would tell me I had some kind of condition that would force me to have to seriously lose weight. All I can to say to that is, careful what you wish for.

The good thing is, it's not too late for me. I realize things have to change now and I am making that happen.  And even though I may have some sort of health issue, I can work beyond that - whatever it may be. Because at the end of the day, it's that "whatever" that made me take a good, long, hard look at myself and ask the tough questions: Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Are you living to eat or eating to live? How are you benefiting from your current lifestyle? Why are you so afraid to do this? What is stopping you from this goal you have had for nearly 3 decades????????

That last question makes me want to weep. I think about all that time lost in a body that didn't feel like the "me" I felt I was on the inside. That's a whole other can of worms - but I'll save that for another time.

I am confident that this new approach to eating is going to have an impact on my life in only the best of ways. It took feeling horrible to make me see what treating your body right is all about. And for that, I am grateful. Grateful it was only indigestion and not something far worse. Because if it wasn't for the indigestion, I might still be sliding down that slippery slope...towards Lord knows what other health problems. I'm actually quite lucky.

If I could impart any final words of wisdom this evening, I might say to my younger friends - don't be like me. Don't wait until something happens to you to start being good to yourself. Right now, you may be feeling a-ok. You may not have any issues. You may be thinking that being overweight is simply an inconvenience. I thought that way for a long time. But eventually, it catches up. And it happens sooner than you think. Yeah, call me Debbie Downer if you want. I've been called worse.

I'm two days away from weight in, and curious about the results this week. I'm not expecting such a big number as last week, but am hopeful that there will be a loss. Two more weeks and then I start my exercise regimen. I'm pretty stoked to be honest.

Until next time.....