It's Sunday afternoon and I am in complete denial that a full week of school is staring me in the face. After about 6 or so weeks of an abbreviated weekly schedule - Mother Nature created or otherwise - it is back to reality and perhaps some normalcy this week, as there are no imminent snowstorms or holidays on the horizon. In a way, I'm looking forward to it because the less time I spend at home camped in front of the TV, the less I think about making a chocolate cake and inhaling it in one bite.
I know I said I would post on Fridays to give an update on my weigh in. I'm still weighing in on Fridays but the posting at week's end has sort of proven to be an epic failure, simply because come Friday night, I'm utterly useless. My apologies, but until the summer rolls around, I'm thinking Saturdays or Sundays will fit my blogging schedule a tad better.
My weigh-in this week revealed another pound had packed its bags and said an emphatic"arrivederci" to my bod, never to be seen again, if all goes as planned. I'll admit, I wasn't ecstatic over what I consider to be a small loss so early in the game. But if there is one thing this girl has learned over time, it's that a loss is a loss is a loss. And when the loss in question is about that fat monkey on your back that's been weighing you down your whole life, you take it and you don't complain. In the 4 weeks since I began this new journey, I have lost 9.25 lbs. Sure, I had hoped to hit an even 10 lbs, but as Mick Jagger once said, you can't always get what you want.
There are a few pieces of my own personal weight loss puzzle that may have contributed to the smaller loss this week. Key pieces that don't quite fit what I'm trying to do which make me more than a smidge nervous. Although I may talk a good talk, deep down, I know I am far from truly having a firm grip on this healthy eating thing. Dieting - or to be less demoralizing about it - changing my lifestyle toward a healthy existence - is an extremely slippery slope for me. Those that know me best have heard me speak convincingly of my plans to banish the weight many times before. They have seen me make attempt after attempt, all of which have not been successful long term. Here I am again, making the same pledge, and try as I might, it's tough to tune out that nagging voice in the back of my mind asking me why it's going to be any different this time around.
I know all about the poison that negative self-talk brings. It invades the body like a parasite and courses through your veins until it consumes you. It causes you to believe all of the untrue bullshit you've conjured up about yourself until you decide to just give in and let it take over. Maybe that's what has happened to me in the past. I often wonder if every single time I have decided to lose weight, I just didn't believe I could do it. Perhaps that nagging voice had more power than I knew. Doubt had a choke hold on me and with every slip up, no matter how small, made me believe there was no way I had it in me to see this journey through to the end. Maybe I didn't give myself the gift of time and patience to let it become a reality. Maybe I thought that anytime I made a mistake in my choices, whether they be diet or exercise related, meant that I didn't want it bad enough. Whatever it was, whatever the reason or reasons it didn't take hold in the past, I am going to do everything in my power not to let history repeat itself.
During this process, slip ups are going to happen. They have happened. Eating-wise, I'm noticing areas of weakness - cracks in my foundation, if you will - that are in need of immediate repair. Breakfast, as long as I make time for it, hasn't presented any glaring issues as of yet. My go to foods in the a.m. are either a Fage Greek yogurt with fruit or a chicken sausage with an egg. I'm still trying to get a handle on what clean eating really means in order to allow for weight loss, and what foods I need to limit or exclude, at least for the time being. Lunch has been tricky. I'm ashamed to say I've been using Lean Cuisines as a steady crutch, which I didn't want to do. They have too much sodium, are carb-heavy, and quite frankly, are rather tasteless and unexciting. However, on the plus side, they are convenient, portion-controlled, low-calorie, and require little thought or planning. Always looking for that silver lining!
This past week, dinners and snacks were where most of the damage occurred. I'm not measuring anything right now, and I'm beginning to see how those mindless, random handfuls of nuts here and there, along with a gob of peanut butter to accompany my perfectly-lovely-on-its-own apple, and eating hummus straight from the container, can easily pack on fat and calories, and put the brakes on my weight loss. Sure they're healthier alternatives to a heaping plate full of tortilla chips and melted cheese, but as with anything containing calories and fat, quantity does make a difference. Can I just say that the thought of measuring and weighing food makes me want to lash out like Kanye defending Beyonce at the Grammys? But I fear it may be a necessary evil in the upcoming weeks in order to keep that scale moving in the right direction. Sigh....
One of my best friends recently gave me some good advice. She told me to think back to what I ate the first week I was on plan and had a loss I was happy with, and try to stick as closely to that menu as possible. I'm certainly not expecting 4 pound losses each week, but with as much weight as I have to kiss goodbye, I don't think 2 is unreasonable. That first week, I had a sound meal plan and although it was simple, it did pay off. Meals were lean protein, salad and veggies. Carbs were low, sugar was totally buh-bye, minus the natural sugar in fruit, and yes, it all seemed to work. The past week or so I have not been as planned, or as careful, and it shows. It's so easy for bad habits to creep in, and I need to make sure that the few slip ups I have had do not turn into full-blown landslides from which I cannot recover.
As for the nagging voice that is sometimes louder than I care for - I'm trying very hard to ignore her. I do know that this time it's the real deal for me. I've resolved that it is going to be slow, and I want to learn how to be ok with that. It's not easy to be patient when I see what long road I have ahead of me. I'm so worried about having to travel uphill for such a long way. But when I think about it, being fat has been an uphill battle too. One that seemed to have no ending - just a steeper incline for me to trudge with each passing year. At least with this fresh, new journey, there is a summit for me to reach. And I will get there. No matter how long it takes.
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