What Type of Dieter am I?

Happy Friday!

I thought I'd try posting this evening, despite my previous insistence that I am a useless bump on a log on a Friday night. Be warned, however,  that I have poured myself a glass of wine - one that wouldn't necessarily be described as "small" - and that whatever these fingers pound out on the keyboard is entirely dependent on how quickly all this liquid gold hits the bloodstream. Let's face it, friends - I give myself 10 minutes before this entire post is complete and utter gibberish. I best type quickly...

I suppose I'll just get right to the thick of this post - which is my weigh in today. I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the whole thing, and here's why. Although there was no gain this week (insert silent cheer here), there was no loss either (insert silent boo hiss here). As I mentioned last week, there is a part of me that feels like this early in a weight loss game of this size (pun intended),  there is no excuse for a "weak week" so to speak. Meaning, with so much weight to drop, it should be easier, rather than harder, to kiss more fat cells goodbye in the beginning of this journey. So, when I have a week like this week, or even last week, I seriously start to question my dieting integrity.

I am so in awe of the outpouring of support and encouragement I have received from friends and family upon my announcement to become a healthier me. I can only hope Bruce Jenner is receiving the same kind of support for his announcement! In all seriousness, please know that your comments on Facebook or my blog mean the world to me and I take to heart each and every word you have lovingly taken the time to write. When I post my weight loss, or in today's case, weight stall, there are encouraging words all around me telling me that essentially no gain is a loss (thanks, Jamie) and that I should go easy on myself in this journey (thanks, Kelly). The rational side of me applauds those comments and knows in my heart of hearts that they are right. This will probably be a journey of epic length and filled with trials and tribulations from the tiny to the grandiose. It's not worth it to go all Fight Club on myself because if I do that, I fail in more ways than one.

The other side of me - the Fat Nazi - is angry. She thinks I'm slacking and wants to kick my ass ten ways to Sunday because she KNOWS I can do better. In my heart of hearts, I believe she is right too...
When I think of the week I had and the kind of food that I allowed to pass the lips, pass the gums, watch out stomach here it comes - I can't say the non-loss is a huge surprise.

Here is the thing. I'm not eating McDonald's on my way home from work. I'm not eating donuts in secret, in my car, in the parking lot of Wegmans. I'm not eating crunchy Cheetos until all of my fingers are coated in bright orange whatever-the-hell-that-is. I'm not eating 4 slices of pizzeria pizza and washing it down with 3 beers. I'm not eating bowl after sugary bowl of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch for dinner when I'm too lazy to cook. And I'm definitely not baking anything in my kitchen that resembles a dessert of any kind. As a matter of fact, I have not had any dessert since the commencement of this new weight-loss journey. No matter how much I have thought about, craved, and desperately desired to do all of the above.

Not doing that stuff right there? That is what winning a battle feels like.  Have I had some white rice this week? Yes. Have I had a slice of lasagna this week? Yep. One medium slice. And trust me I could have sunk my whole chubby-cheeked face into that entire pan, it was that delish. The important thing is, I didn't. Have I indulged in 2 adult bevvy's last Friday night? Hiccup - Affirmative. Did I sneak a few small pieces of chocolate this week? Oh, you betcha. But I stopped after 3 Hershey Hugs. I said three. I'm not sure if you can completely appreciate the restraint that took because in the past, I can assure you 100%, that entire bag of Hugs would have been my bitch. Oh, and exercise? That was suppose to get kick started this week. Did it? I'm going to guess you already know the answer to that one.

It's fair to say that my clean eating has contained a few, a-hem, dirty spots.  If only they made Oxy Clean for diets. The question is: Am I ok with that? Do I want to be the type of dieter that understands there will be bumps in the road and as long as I am making some significant NSV's (non-scale victories), I should be happy, because that means I am seriously changing my relationship with food? Or do I want to be the type of dieter that gets fast results because I am steadfast and hardcore and use a take no prisoners approach to clean eating?

My fear is that by taking an "easier" approach where I adopt a more turtle versus hare role, I won't stay as focused. I'm afraid I'll become too lax and there will be more weeks like this week than there should be and weight loss will slow to a painful crawl. On the other hand, if I am too militant about this dieting thing, I'm going to snap and eventually wind up french kissing the frosting off a three-tier cake with a bag of french fries in one hand and a tub of Ben and Jerry's finest in the other. Screw the spoon.

What I want to know is: Is there a balance? If there is, I haven't discovered it yet - but I would like to. So many stories I have read where people are successful with weight loss take that extreme approach. They go balls to the wall with eating and exercise. It works for them. Will it work for me? Should I even try it?

I have always believed that food is the epicenter of life. So many of life's events, big or small, revolve around it and boost its importance. I've had an unhealthy relationship with it my whole life, despite my undying love for it. What I think I am discovering is, I can't go from one extreme to the other. I honestly don't know if I can go from having a steady, heavy relationship with cheese and pasta and pizza to having none at all. Perhaps I should cut them out cold turkey, but for now, significantly reducing the amount of time those drool-worthy guys spend hanging out in my mouth needs to be good enough. Maybe the less I let them in, the less I think I will need them. A girl can only hope.

For now, I suppose I will keep on, keeping on. I sincerely want to get better about monitoring my weekly menu. For example, if I do happen to have a serving of pasta during the week, it might be wise to skip the rice the next day. AND the next day. In other words - it's ok to make one or two mistakes, but not four or five. And let's not forget where exercise factors into this entire plan. If I had stayed on course and worked out this week as planned, I doubt I'd be making this post tonight. Or maybe I would. Who knows?

There is a new weekend and week ahead and I feel ready to embrace them both. In fact, I feel ready to embrace all the days ahead because they are coming, no matter what. I may as well be as prepared as I can be. Here's to more victories - both on the scale and off!