It's the night before Easter and I'm in my kitchen baking the most fabulous springtime cake imaginable. It's a blueberry lemon zucchini cake with lemon buttercream frosting and I can smell it's citrusy, berry-filled deliciousness wafting from the oven as I type this. I've made this thing before, on multiple occasions, and let me tell you, it's the freaking bomb diggity. It's a cake to end all cakes, I tell you. Like, get in my belly - NOW.
Of all the things I will miss post-sleeve surgery, I think making these decadent treats will be at the top of the list. I love baking and cooking and I know it just won't be the same after I have the surgery. And I guess there's good reason for that. I mean, cake is part of the reason I'm having the surgery in the first place. I should be willing to kiss it good bye without too much regret. But is it really that easy to flip the mental switch of a self-proclaimed foodaholic? I guess I shall find out in good time.
I have been trying to attend the weight loss support groups they have have at the hospital because they cover all of the topics that bariatric patients deal with both pre and post-op. So far I've only been to two but they have some really interesting topics coming up I don't want to miss. This past Tuesday, intermixed into a power point presentation about why weight loss support groups are important, 4 post-op patients spoke about their experience with gastric sleeve surgery. After listening to their stories, it was elating to walk out of there knowing I made the right choice to have this done.
One woman said something on Tuesday that really resonated with me. She said that after the surgery, her priorities changed. She no longer cared about food in the way she once did it. She literally said she didn't really care about what she ate, she just ate to sustain herself. Other things took priority in her life and she simply didn't have the same feelings about eating as she once did. Let's think about that for just a minute...she no longer cared about what she ate??? For reals?
I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't care about the food I was putting in my mouth...whether it was good, bad, or somewhere in between. It consumed my thoughts and my world seemed to revolve around eating. What to eat. When to eat. Why I was eating. How I was eating. Food was not only a priority - it was a borderline obsession. It's hard for me to fathom that food could ever lose it's control over me. Then again, it's hard for me to believe that, even with this surgery, I will lose weight (even though I know it's pretty much physically impossible not to.)
The mind game is a tricky one. And I think it's probably the hardest part of this whole journey. While physical hunger may not be there, I am so scared of the mental hunger people talk about. I don't want to go through having 80% of my stomach cut out to still feel like I want to have a torrid love affair with pizza. I am desperate to be like that woman who spoke on Tuesday of having new priorities where food didn't sit at the top of the list. I want to wake up for this surgery ready to begin new relationships with things like exercise and a healthy self-image. I want to say goodbye to my dysfunctional dependency on food. I want to feel confident in knowing that it doesn't have to be center stage in my life anymore. I want food to no longer define a good time. I want other things to replace it. I don't even know what all of those things may be. I just know they will be different.
So June 28 is when this all begins. My surgery has been set and I am ready. I think...
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