I hate how inconsistent I've been with blogging but as per usual, life seems to always be getting in the way. It's been a busy couple of months and the rest of March into April looks no better. The good news is, we are rounding the corner into spring and the last few months of school and that means I'm inching ever closer to having my gastric sleeve surgery.
After rereading my last post, I'm happy to say that my feelings regarding having the surgery have changed dramatically. I no longer have those shadows of doubt hanging over me like a lead balloon. I am content with my decision and feel more excited than anything else. For the first time I am starting to believe that this will be the beginning of a new life for me. And it's long, long overdue. By about 25 years, give or take.
I'm not sure what caused the mental change but I'm happy that it happened. This needs to be a positive experience and, trust me, I have enough nay saying from my mom right now that I certainly don't need to add to it. Honestly, I'm over the fear factor and am trying to focus on what life will be like once the weight starts coming off. My current weight is utterly abominable and so its been easy to want to separate myself from that harsh reality and direct my mental energy on the future. My closet full of clothes of all (plus) sizes has been the biggest reminder of why this surgery is happening. When even your fattest clothes aren't big enough, you know you're in trouble. Unfortunately, this is my current situation. The spare tire that resides under my boobs and on top of my protruding stomach taunts me every morning as I discard outfit upon outfit trying to hide the double rolls. That clingy fabric doesn't lie. It tells stories of pizza and donuts and chocolate. Getting dressed is a tiring process. I always said when the 2X's don't fit, I know I'm fucked. Well, guess what?
Today I thought about going shopping. Buying yet BIGGER clothing for a body that continues to be expanding at an alarming rate. Then I asked myself, why would you want to do that? The reality is that this is a temporary situation. In approximately 3 months, I'll begin the transformation that will allow me to leave those bigger sizes in the rearview mirror. Why spend money on this body when I'd rather save it for the new one?
It's not that I'm trying to shame or hate on myself but I will admit I'm sick of living in this fat shell and I have been for years. For the first time, even though I haven't yet had the surgery, I feel little cracks beginning to form in it. It sounds corny but I'm so freaking ready to emerge as a new and improved version of myself. I'd be lying if I said that being fat hasn't held me back from life in some ways. Not in everything - but definitely in some ways that maybe I'm not even really aware of yet. All I know is that for the first time, I am confident that I will have success in a weight loss endeavor that will be long lasting and life changing. If you've ever struggled with weight and played the ever popular "lose some, gain more" game, you know long term success is hard to come by. That's why I'm thankful that I finally made this decision to get the help I so desperately need.
Hopefully it won't be so long between posts next time. I have a consult with my surgeon in the beginning of April and will get to choose my surgery date then. Lots to do to prepare for that! In the meantime, I'll just keep dreaming of the future....
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